Which Version Do You Want To Be?

I'm confident with the idea that I want to be genuine. I'm certain I'm more than sincere. It's difficult I guess to execute against all and everything that you might fear. I too, like anyone have my own concerns of how exactly the words I'm creating will be read, interpreted or even taken seriously.

In general terms, I wouldn't describe myself as overly 'serious' in personality traits. I would say that I might well be a joker. I love nothing more than laughter and intelligence. Most situations are full of humour for me. I would never describe myself as cynical but I find the wonder in cynicism. Anything I create has got a sense of desperation to it. I am though not at all desperate. I'm not dark, I'm not depressed. I'm pretty cotton darn happy in fact. Yet I meddle with the darkness.

I like to think I've only ever created words for my own expression. I secretly like the attention. Although, annoyingly I want to remain anonymous. I think for me to succeed at writing. I need to express myself as me. I need to use my own voice and I need the world to judge. I need to feel that sense of rawness. I need to be exposed. I obviously don't mean I'm going to post pictures or videos of myself in some artistic Shannon Tweed pose on a pool table or the equivalent. I want though to share a little more reality. If I expect investment and when I say that, I'm not meaning 'monetary' investment. I will say this and be honest in doing so. That is not my motivation. I want to write. Have that writing entertain, instruct or provide some emotive reaction whether good, bad, funny or sad. I want people to read and that's the investment I aspire to achieve.

I'm looking more for the interaction and the conversation. As I express, I'm not a fan of small talk. Although I understand small talk can often lead to deep speak. Conversations that aren't centred around talking about trivial issues or gossiping about other people and their vapid business. More though aligned to tackling real issues and doing ones best to change or adapt situations and if that adaptation to the situation is not possible perhaps changing reactions to it.

I read back over some of the recent days writing and worry or concern myself too much with 'what's the message here?' I consider it a lot. Sometimes, though I don't think you need to bombard people with opinions, instead it can be a journey into the characters. I think back to reality around ten years ago, sitting around smoking and drinking with friends and conversations would be pushed along the lines of 'serious' conversation as opposed to popular TV shows of the time. This was done for no other reason than I have this sense of urgency. To get to the 'nitty gritty'. I have this vivid memory as a teenager of preparing a vegetable patch in my mothers garden. I recall her coming outside because I hastily and almost far too energetically completed the digging and removal of turf etc in little to no time. I didn't stop, just kept going until I had finished. It was almost frantic. I remember her saying 'You'll gonna give yourself a heart attack' I was about 15 or 16 at the time. I still have that need of completion. I don't though intend to rush this novel and I'm not rushing. I am or at least I'm more conscious of time. For whatever reason. I don't know what that means.

Patience. I just need patience. You do too.

See, this becomes like an inner monologue. Constant queries, considerations and self assessment.

It's a lonely endeavour, this writing malarky. I really do think if you're not ready to spend a lot of time in your head, on your own. Searching your memories and embellishing bad, dramatic and other such wild situations, conversations and memories. To have those manifestations materialise in a story, that depicts your wildest fantasies or shares a little more about yourself that you almost wouldn't say aloud. One you wouldn't necessarily be proud you're mother hearing or that can't be hidden by a mere name change. Give it up. You may be better off being an observer. If you can continue to manage those often alluring moments of self destruction. You owe to yourself, you owe to us to create and share it.

I think sometimes you have to take a chance.

As one great man once said, 'You can't please all the people all the time....'

My story. This novel, is beginning to excite me again. I got over that plateau. 2nd draft may need a massive change just about the half way point ( assuming I'm half way at the moment ). I'm in a slight haze as to what happened. I'm not entirely sure if that's because I'm constantly concentrating on what's to come or thinking where it's going. What Dylan is going to do, where Hazel is or what happened to Anya? She hasn't been on the scene now for too long. I've almost forgotten about her. I can't have those questions. That though is what a re-write is all about. I remain excited now as this is Dylan's flip. From now on, let him roam free. See how far I go with it.

Anyway, that was lengthy. Share your musings.

Until Next Time...

Do Good Things